I'm sorry I've been one of those bad bloggers lately. The truth is, I've felt a total lack of inspiration. Every time I sit down to write a post, I've stared at the screen with a blank brain. It's frustrating.
As for the fight to stay healthy and fit, I'm not giving up. I've fallen off the wagon more times than I can count lately. And, since the marathon, my exercise has been sporadic at best. I keep looking back to the first weeks and months of my weight loss and wondering how the hell I found the motivation.
It's a tough time of year to be healthy. The wind chills are dropping, while the amount of sweet treats are rising everywhere. I can't seem to escape the gluttony and hedonism that is so prevalent during the holiday season.
When I saw Oprah's latest cover, I felt really, really bad for her. Here's a woman who is worth more money than I can even comprehend. Millions of people worship her and think she should run for president. She can have anything she wants...almost. The fact that, yet again, she wasn't able to maintain her weight loss proved that money can't buy everything. Even with my paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle, I have something in common with Oprah Winfrey. So many of us do.
I'm still not giving up. As of this moment, I am recommitting myself to a healthy lifestyle. I ran a freaking marathon. I can do this.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
New goals
Let me get this off my chest before I go any further... I've been off the wagon for a while now.
I've been exercising very sporadically, and my diet has been... less than healthy. I'm sure I've gained more weight back, but I'm not freaking out. Thanks to my therapy sessions, I've started to learn that my worth doesn't depend on how much I weigh, or what size I am.
With that said, I'm not giving up. I still want to get back on the horse, but it's not about weight anymore. Now it's about health. Before, my weight loss was all about how I looked. I never appreciated all the positive changes that were taking place inside. My cholesterol was down, my glucose levels were great, and I felt wonderful. With every breath, I could feel the oxygen moving through my body.
I'll be back with my running group in mid-January, at which time I'll begin training for the Oklahoma City Marathon. Yup, that's right. I'm going to do another marathon. I think it will really help me to have a big goal like that on the horizon.
It's about health, not weight!
I've been exercising very sporadically, and my diet has been... less than healthy. I'm sure I've gained more weight back, but I'm not freaking out. Thanks to my therapy sessions, I've started to learn that my worth doesn't depend on how much I weigh, or what size I am.
With that said, I'm not giving up. I still want to get back on the horse, but it's not about weight anymore. Now it's about health. Before, my weight loss was all about how I looked. I never appreciated all the positive changes that were taking place inside. My cholesterol was down, my glucose levels were great, and I felt wonderful. With every breath, I could feel the oxygen moving through my body.
I'll be back with my running group in mid-January, at which time I'll begin training for the Oklahoma City Marathon. Yup, that's right. I'm going to do another marathon. I think it will really help me to have a big goal like that on the horizon.
It's about health, not weight!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Still here
I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Apart from eating too much, I had a very pleasant few days off work.
A real post will come soon, but for now I wanted to let you know I'm alive.
A real post will come soon, but for now I wanted to let you know I'm alive.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Gobbler Grind Half Marathon
Yesterday I ran the Gobbler Grind half marathon. The weather forecast was calling for another chilly morning, so I put on pretty much the same outfit I wore for the previous weekend's race.
Angie and I drove out to the race site and met with Pritha, Ellen, Mandy, and Michelle. We were all looking forward to a light, easy run. I was going to treat it as a fun run, not worrying about setting any personal records.
We started off at a very slow pace to get warmed up. After that, we all went at our own speed. Pritha, who always has a secret goal in mind, cruised ahead. Mandy and I settled into a comfortable pace and spent the entire race together. Ellen and Michelle were close behind us. It was a really pleasant course; most of it was spent on park trails.
After about 8 or 9 miles, we weren't talking much. When the chatter stops, this usually means that we want it to be over. Mandy and I crossed the finish line together, with a time of 2 hours and 30 minutes. We met up with Angie and Pritha (who set a PR), and watched Ellen and Michelle cross the finish line.
I was standing around the finish area, when I was approached by a guy I'd never met before. His name was Jared, and he said he was a fan of the blog and wanted to introduce himself. This was the first time I'd ever been "recognized" because of my blog, and I must admit it felt absolutely wonderful.
Now I just need the paparazzi to follow me around. And a posse. You can't be a celebrity without a posse.
Angie and I drove out to the race site and met with Pritha, Ellen, Mandy, and Michelle. We were all looking forward to a light, easy run. I was going to treat it as a fun run, not worrying about setting any personal records.
We started off at a very slow pace to get warmed up. After that, we all went at our own speed. Pritha, who always has a secret goal in mind, cruised ahead. Mandy and I settled into a comfortable pace and spent the entire race together. Ellen and Michelle were close behind us. It was a really pleasant course; most of it was spent on park trails.
After about 8 or 9 miles, we weren't talking much. When the chatter stops, this usually means that we want it to be over. Mandy and I crossed the finish line together, with a time of 2 hours and 30 minutes. We met up with Angie and Pritha (who set a PR), and watched Ellen and Michelle cross the finish line.
I was standing around the finish area, when I was approached by a guy I'd never met before. His name was Jared, and he said he was a fan of the blog and wanted to introduce himself. This was the first time I'd ever been "recognized" because of my blog, and I must admit it felt absolutely wonderful.
Now I just need the paparazzi to follow me around. And a posse. You can't be a celebrity without a posse.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Working out at work
Our offices just moved to a new location, and we now have a gym. Normally, I go home at lunch to let the dog out, but today I didn't have to. So, I decided to try out the gym.
Back in 7th-grade gym class was the first time I remember having to change clothes in public. I hated it, probably because I felt fat and inadequate compared to the other girls. After a few days of humiliation, I opted to change in a bathroom stall for the foreseeable future.
Not much has changed. Today I entered the locker room with my workout clothes. I eyeballed the area; I was alone. Still, I gravitated toward a stall and changed in there. I'm not sure why, exactly. I'm not exactly pleased with my physique, but I'm much more confident than I was at age 13. Perhaps I just didn't want to cross that boundary of letting my co-workers see me naked (or me seeing them naked, for that matter).
Anyway, I jumped on a treadmill and did a 5 mile jog. At one point, I looked out the window and a window washer dude was swaying in the breeze, sitting in his little harness. He smoked a cigarette as he wiped each window down. I wondered where he'd flick the butt when he was done.
Doing my workout in a different setting was a pleasant change. It reminded me that it's good to switch things up when I get bored. It also left me with a Zen-like calm which has carried over into the rest of my work day.
Now, if I can just work up the courage to change clothes in the locker room...
Back in 7th-grade gym class was the first time I remember having to change clothes in public. I hated it, probably because I felt fat and inadequate compared to the other girls. After a few days of humiliation, I opted to change in a bathroom stall for the foreseeable future.
Not much has changed. Today I entered the locker room with my workout clothes. I eyeballed the area; I was alone. Still, I gravitated toward a stall and changed in there. I'm not sure why, exactly. I'm not exactly pleased with my physique, but I'm much more confident than I was at age 13. Perhaps I just didn't want to cross that boundary of letting my co-workers see me naked (or me seeing them naked, for that matter).
Anyway, I jumped on a treadmill and did a 5 mile jog. At one point, I looked out the window and a window washer dude was swaying in the breeze, sitting in his little harness. He smoked a cigarette as he wiped each window down. I wondered where he'd flick the butt when he was done.
Doing my workout in a different setting was a pleasant change. It reminded me that it's good to switch things up when I get bored. It also left me with a Zen-like calm which has carried over into the rest of my work day.
Now, if I can just work up the courage to change clothes in the locker room...
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Pilgrim Pacer 10K
When it comes to cold weather running, I'm a total wimp. I'd rather run in 90 degree heat than freezing temperatures any day. So, it came as no surprise that I was feeling less than thrilled about participating in this race. When I woke up Saturday, the temperature was 31 degrees. As Angie and I drove to the race site, a very light snow was falling.
Despite the weather, I was feeling good. The preceding days had been a real success in terms of my eating, and I was down 6 lbs. on the scale from my weigh-in on November 1st. I was also meeting up with Mandy and Pritha for the race, and I'm always happy to run with friends.
We stood around for a few minutes, then it was time to run. I wanted to finish in under an hour, so I tried to keep a fairly aggressive pace (at least for me) from the very start. However, it took very little time before I got really tired. I made the stupid mistake of not eating anything prior to the race. Normally I'd at least have a banana or a slice of bread. I also realized that it had been months since I'd tried to run with speed in mind. During marathon training, I had built up my endurance, but lost quite a bit of speed.
Still, I tried my best to keep up a decent pace. The three of us were together for about the first mile, then Pritha surged ahead. It was difficult for me to keep up much of a conversation, but I tried to chat with Mandy as much as possible. Having a buddy really does make the time go by.
Once we warmed up, the cold was totally unnoticeable. It was really pleasant, actually. The course was very pretty, winding its way through a local nature park. At some point, my empty stomach became a problem and I started to feel pretty weak. I had to stop and walk quite a bit during the last mile. My finish time was somewhere around 1:06, which is less than stellar, but I'll take it. The run was more about getting a workout in and hanging out with my friends.
Rather than the usual bananas and orange segments, they served hot apple cobbler and hot chocolate after this race. I shared mine with Angie while we all stayed warm in the car.
I treated myself with a spaghetti dinner and a slice chocolate cake last night. While it felt strange breaking my abstinence, I didn't feel guilty, nor did it lead to a binge. I'm back to my routine today and still feeling strong and confident. For the first time in a while, I have a sense of hope that I won't always think about food every minute of every day.
Despite the weather, I was feeling good. The preceding days had been a real success in terms of my eating, and I was down 6 lbs. on the scale from my weigh-in on November 1st. I was also meeting up with Mandy and Pritha for the race, and I'm always happy to run with friends.
We stood around for a few minutes, then it was time to run. I wanted to finish in under an hour, so I tried to keep a fairly aggressive pace (at least for me) from the very start. However, it took very little time before I got really tired. I made the stupid mistake of not eating anything prior to the race. Normally I'd at least have a banana or a slice of bread. I also realized that it had been months since I'd tried to run with speed in mind. During marathon training, I had built up my endurance, but lost quite a bit of speed.
Still, I tried my best to keep up a decent pace. The three of us were together for about the first mile, then Pritha surged ahead. It was difficult for me to keep up much of a conversation, but I tried to chat with Mandy as much as possible. Having a buddy really does make the time go by.
Once we warmed up, the cold was totally unnoticeable. It was really pleasant, actually. The course was very pretty, winding its way through a local nature park. At some point, my empty stomach became a problem and I started to feel pretty weak. I had to stop and walk quite a bit during the last mile. My finish time was somewhere around 1:06, which is less than stellar, but I'll take it. The run was more about getting a workout in and hanging out with my friends.
Rather than the usual bananas and orange segments, they served hot apple cobbler and hot chocolate after this race. I shared mine with Angie while we all stayed warm in the car.
I treated myself with a spaghetti dinner and a slice chocolate cake last night. While it felt strange breaking my abstinence, I didn't feel guilty, nor did it lead to a binge. I'm back to my routine today and still feeling strong and confident. For the first time in a while, I have a sense of hope that I won't always think about food every minute of every day.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Small victories
Last night was rough. I left my grandmother's nursing home feeling depressed and hungry...not a good combination. Upon arriving home, I ate my planned dinner, but still wanted more. Of course, I wasn't truly hungry, but my emotional state dictated that I stuff my face with all the foods I'd been avoiding the past 7 days.
I barely even tried to fight it. I just wanted to give in and let myself go. I put on my best puppy dog face and looked at Angie. She knows that look, but I've told her lately to ignore it. No matter what I say or do, don't get me fast food. I could tell she was torn. She wanted to make me happy, but would it really make me happy to eat that stuff? Certainly not. She also wanted to get food for herself, which probably made it twice as hard to resist my pleadings.
After much pressure, she broke down and went to change clothes before hopping in the car and driving to McDonald's. As she walked into the other room, I realized how selfish and sabotaging I was being. I was dragging her into my downward spiral, and it was supremely unfair. I called to her. She came back into the living room and looked at me. I just shook my head. No, don't go.
She sat down on the couch with me and I cried. My tears were the result of all the exhaustion and frustration involved with resisting the urge to binge. Most normal eaters probably don't realize how hard it is to bring yourself back from the brink like that. I can count the times I've been able to do that on one hand. More than will power, it takes energy. By the time I knew I wasn't going to binge after all, I was totally spent. I took a long bath, hoping to get started on a new book. But, I just sat in the tub, staring into space. I couldn't bring myself to force my eyes to move across the page.
I'm proud of myself for eventually resisting. But, I'm still very sorry for all the misery I'm sure I caused Angie. It felt as though I was asking her to go score me drugs or something. It felt very wrong. Screwing up my "sobriety" is one thing; having her assist me is another.
Today marks one week of abstaining from my trigger foods. I'll admit I haven't made totally healthy choices. I ate too much for dinner on Tuesday night, but it wasn't a binge. I also skipped my workouts the past two days. However, I feel that my eating is normalizing and I'm on the right track.
I barely even tried to fight it. I just wanted to give in and let myself go. I put on my best puppy dog face and looked at Angie. She knows that look, but I've told her lately to ignore it. No matter what I say or do, don't get me fast food. I could tell she was torn. She wanted to make me happy, but would it really make me happy to eat that stuff? Certainly not. She also wanted to get food for herself, which probably made it twice as hard to resist my pleadings.
After much pressure, she broke down and went to change clothes before hopping in the car and driving to McDonald's. As she walked into the other room, I realized how selfish and sabotaging I was being. I was dragging her into my downward spiral, and it was supremely unfair. I called to her. She came back into the living room and looked at me. I just shook my head. No, don't go.
She sat down on the couch with me and I cried. My tears were the result of all the exhaustion and frustration involved with resisting the urge to binge. Most normal eaters probably don't realize how hard it is to bring yourself back from the brink like that. I can count the times I've been able to do that on one hand. More than will power, it takes energy. By the time I knew I wasn't going to binge after all, I was totally spent. I took a long bath, hoping to get started on a new book. But, I just sat in the tub, staring into space. I couldn't bring myself to force my eyes to move across the page.
I'm proud of myself for eventually resisting. But, I'm still very sorry for all the misery I'm sure I caused Angie. It felt as though I was asking her to go score me drugs or something. It felt very wrong. Screwing up my "sobriety" is one thing; having her assist me is another.
Today marks one week of abstaining from my trigger foods. I'll admit I haven't made totally healthy choices. I ate too much for dinner on Tuesday night, but it wasn't a binge. I also skipped my workouts the past two days. However, I feel that my eating is normalizing and I'm on the right track.
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