Thursday, November 13, 2008

Small victories

Last night was rough. I left my grandmother's nursing home feeling depressed and hungry...not a good combination. Upon arriving home, I ate my planned dinner, but still wanted more. Of course, I wasn't truly hungry, but my emotional state dictated that I stuff my face with all the foods I'd been avoiding the past 7 days.

I barely even tried to fight it. I just wanted to give in and let myself go. I put on my best puppy dog face and looked at Angie. She knows that look, but I've told her lately to ignore it. No matter what I say or do, don't get me fast food. I could tell she was torn. She wanted to make me happy, but would it really make me happy to eat that stuff? Certainly not. She also wanted to get food for herself, which probably made it twice as hard to resist my pleadings.

After much pressure, she broke down and went to change clothes before hopping in the car and driving to McDonald's. As she walked into the other room, I realized how selfish and sabotaging I was being. I was dragging her into my downward spiral, and it was supremely unfair. I called to her. She came back into the living room and looked at me. I just shook my head. No, don't go.

She sat down on the couch with me and I cried. My tears were the result of all the exhaustion and frustration involved with resisting the urge to binge. Most normal eaters probably don't realize how hard it is to bring yourself back from the brink like that. I can count the times I've been able to do that on one hand. More than will power, it takes energy. By the time I knew I wasn't going to binge after all, I was totally spent. I took a long bath, hoping to get started on a new book. But, I just sat in the tub, staring into space. I couldn't bring myself to force my eyes to move across the page.

I'm proud of myself for eventually resisting. But, I'm still very sorry for all the misery I'm sure I caused Angie. It felt as though I was asking her to go score me drugs or something. It felt very wrong. Screwing up my "sobriety" is one thing; having her assist me is another.

Today marks one week of abstaining from my trigger foods. I'll admit I haven't made totally healthy choices. I ate too much for dinner on Tuesday night, but it wasn't a binge. I also skipped my workouts the past two days. However, I feel that my eating is normalizing and I'm on the right track.

12 comments:

elife said...

((Hugs)). You are a fighter and you are getting there, step by step.

Matt Keeling said...

WOW! Great job resisting the call of the McD's. I know how hard it is. I really do. I actually screamed at my mom once and I am not sure what triggered it. I know that was more about being hungry and frustrated that I was not eating what I wanted. It was a really weird feeling. Again great job!

BTW, while I know you feel like you caused Angie a lot of misery I am sure she is just as proud of you as we all are.

Lori said...

:hugs:

I know how hard that decision was to make. I don't know if I could have done it.

kate said...

Wow Morgan, that sounds like a huge victory! I know you feel bad about involving Angie in this, but it sounds like she was the one thing that stopped you from going on a binge. We need people like this in our lives, its impossible to do it all alone!

Congratulations, keep your head up, you are doing great.

Jen in Florida said...

Hi Morgan,

I don't remember how I found your blog many months ago, but I want to say I have truly enjoyed every post. I say this because your story could be mine - and I totally get every word wou write, and every struggle you have.

I, too sometimes feel like eating is as dangerous as buying drugs, and it comes with the same shame and guilt. Just yeaterday I was alone in the office lunchroom. I had brought lunch for me and my friend. Last minute, she could not make it and because I was alone, I ate both lunches. Would never have done that if only someone were to see me.

Anyway, even though you don't know me, please know that your words mean a lot and I am grateful that you share them with the world!

JanetM97 said...

kudos for you for changing your mind! Sometimes I have a hard time "pausing" when I know I'm making a bad decision (that I'll regret later).

Anonymous said...

Morgan, I see that you've dropped 6 lbs. Way to go! I knew you could get back into the right frame of mind. You did it! I'm proud of you. Keep it up and before you know it, you'll be out of this temporary slump. You go girl!!... Heather

kilax said...

Fighting a binge urge like that... is a miracle. You are getting back on track. I'm proud of you!

Last Journey Down said...

Morgan, what a comeback from "danger!" I know your fight was exhausting emotionally, and your willingness to share this experience is incredible. About Angie - She will understand, of course, some day, but for now, kids need love, love and I know you give her oodles! Thanks for writing about something I "get" so frighteningly easily.

Last Journey Down said...

Morgan - just read through a lot of your past posts (I'm very new here) and realized that Angie is not a baby! Sorry! I know Angie will end up supporting you in your bravest moments! Sorry for the booboo.

happydaiz said...

I know how hard it is to step back from that - I'm so impressed that you did.

Adult Weight Loss Camp said...

What a great description of impending "relapse." I've known both sides and it's a huge relief when you are able to let one pass you by. Your pictures are so motivating, thanks!