Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Rethinking my image

Wednesdays and Fridays are my nights to go see my grandmother at her nursing home. On Wednesday, I brought along pictures from the marathon to show her. Old people love to look at pictures. Grammy likes it when I bring my camera and hook it up to her giant TV so she can see everything on the big screen. It somehow makes her think that I'm technologically savvy because I can do this. She's always telling the people who work there that her granddaughter "works on computers." It's cute.

Anyway, I've heard many overweight people say that they didn't realize how big they were until they saw a picture of themselves. As I was viewing my image over and over again on a TV the size of my previously obese torso, I took notice of something.

Take a gander my mid-section there. It's gotten bigger lately. Sure, I'm all smiles in these photos, and I have my medal to hide behind, but who am I kidding? I'm gaining weight, and it's only going to get worse unless I take some action. Weight loss, in my opinion, is 75% nutrition and 25% exercise. No matter how many miles I'm running, fast food is not good for me. Running a marathon does not suddenly turn McDonald's into health food.

I also have come to the realization that I'm putting my health in the hands of others too much. I'm not taking responsibility. Angie and I are sabotaging each other right and left. There's no malice in it. It's not as if she wants me to gain my weight back, nor do I have that wish for her. However, we still manage to enable each other with all this junk food. That has to stop.

None of the 6 personal trainers I've emailed or called have contacted me back. I took that as some sort of sign that it's not time to get back on the wagon yet. Ridiculous! I can't believe I'm making those kinds of bargains and excuses again.

Like many people who struggle with weight, I seem to have a split personality. One half of me is the confident person who can run marathons, plan and prepare healthy meals, and stick to a routine. The other half is an insecure glutton who can only think about where her next junk food fix will come from. My brain is a boxing ring, and both of these personalities are duking it out. The glutton seems to have won the last several rounds. It's time to turn things around.

I went ahead and signed up for the Gobbler Grind half marathon next month. I plan on running 3-4 days per week. I'm also excited to get back into strength training 2-3 times per week. I had to give that up 2 weeks before the marathon, and I can't wait to pick up a set of dumbbells again. I really love feeling like a strong, buff bitch after a weights workout. More than anything, however, I MUST get my food choices back under control. That's the key.

During my heaviest years, I didn't like being photographed. As I lost weight, I stopped hiding and started smiling for the camera. I don't want to hide again.


ashley said...

I know exactly what you mean...I gained 15 back after being at an alltime low while training for the KC 1/2. I also signed up for the Gobbler Grind earlier this week. Good luck!a

kilax said...

You're so right - even when you're exercising, you've got to keep eating healthy. Lately, I've been sick of being so good. I've wanted to go buy a box of Dots and eat the entire thing. And some sour cream and onion baked lays. And... oh, I could go on.

It's easy for me to tell myself I can eat out because I am exercising. BUT I can't eat out all the time!

Good luck training for the half marathon! You're going to get right back on track.

Heather's House said...

Time to take action Morgan.... You have done so well and you know what you need to do. I know how you feel. I'm am on a weight loss program and am only down about 30 pounds, with 70 more to go and some days I feel like entitled to garbage because I've been so good lately. WRONG!!! It's all a head game. Have faith .... you will get back on track! Jump on those scales and tell the world what's happening.

Good luck with the Gobbler Grind. I'm not quite sure what kind of marathon that is, but boy with a name like that, it could be quite interesting. lol!!

kate said...

Way to go for recognizing the situation. There are no easy answers here. One day at a time.

bekkles said...

Hi Morgan,

I've just found your webiste and I am so inspired with you! I have just gotten into running and I really struggle with bad choices when I'm running a lot, I feel as though I "deserve" them, which is really warped.

You've done an incredible job so just remind yourself that you can lose weight when you want to, you can make better've already proved it!

Glad to have stumbled across you in the blogosphere!