Monday, May 12, 2008

Crossroads

Things are getting scary for me. The past few days, I've made a lot of poor choices with my eating. The problem is getting worse, and not better.

Although my decisions haven't made themselves apparent on the scale, it's only a matter of time if I continue on this path. A binge is a binge, whether it's a Big Mac or a bowl of high fiber cereal with fat free yogurt. It's not about what I'm eating, but rather what's going through my mind as I'm eating it.

Lately, I feel like I'm living a double life. Part of me is an athlete. I'm training to run a marathon. I eat the foods that nourish my body, and I feel strong and self-confident. Then, this whole other person comes out. She's extremely insecure, afraid of being alone, and unsatisfied with her body despite all the hard work she's done to improve it.

I know I'm not in a place to give advice to others right now, but I'm going to anyway. For those of you who are trying to drop the pounds, please hear this. Try as hard as you can to cultivate a healthy relationship with yourself AND with food before you lose the weight. I know that's hard, but try. If you don't feel good about yourself now, don't assume you'll feel better after slimming down. There are no guarantees.

This can't go on. I have to figure this out, because I'm not gaining that weight back. I refuse.

4 comments:

Melanie said...

Well darn, I wrote this nice long comment to you and the great abyss sucked it up never to be read again. Well I guess that is as good an editing tool as any, because all I really said was that I agree that we need to get a good relationship with ourselves and with food and that it's very hard to do both. If you know in your heart you won't gain the weight back then you won't. Find whatever it was that motivated you when you first started losing and tap into that. Put a picture of yourself at your highest weight on your fridge and look at it as a reminder. Maybe you could think about seeing a therapist who specializes in eating disorders to sort out some of your issues with food? If you have time and wouldn't mind, could you tell me more specifics about how you changed your diet? I have been doing a modified version of the South Beach diet - cutting out simple carbs and eating mostly lean meat and veggies with a few whole grains, but I'd like to know what has worked for you so well. Hang in there and keep blogging about it. Big hugs.

Morgan said...

Hey Melanie,
If you want, you can email me at morgangetsthin (at) yahoo (dot) com, and we can chat about it.
Morgan

MaryFran said...

You are absolutely correct about being comfortable with yourself. I've recentl gone through a similar stage. I was unhappy with myself, even though I've lost a phenominal amount of weight. I still felt like the fat girl. It's not something that is easy to get out of your head but you need to really start listening AND believing what your friends and family are saying...that you are gorgeous!

deanna said...

thanks, advice taken.

you'll get there, you've done so much to get here, that you will get where you need emotionally too.

keep on keeping on