Sunday, May 11, 2008

Giving in, staying strong, and breaking down

After the race yesterday, we went to my cousin's lake house for his annual barbeque picnic lunch. You know me- I always have to have a plan. The plan this time was to eat chicken and veggies. Did I stick to the plan? Of course not. What's the point of even having a plan if I'm not going to stick to it? I ate a ton of food. No alcohol this time, but I more than made up for it when I saw the macaroons and brownies. My proud father was telling all my family members about how I'm a runner now and I'm training for the marathon. A few came up to me to ask me about it, and I tried to explain the difference between a 5K and a marathon with a half-chewed deviled egg in my mouth. Nice.

The weather played a role here. It was a cold, rainy afternoon. Had it been nice and sunny, I would have played volleyball or horse shoes, because my cousin had these games set up. However, since it was all nasty, everyone huddled in the tent where the food was. Close proximity to a buffet is the kiss of death for overeaters.

I felt guilty the rest of the day. On top of that, every tooth my mouth was aching. I had a similar problem a few months ago, and my dentist told me that I probably clench my teeth when I'm stressed out, which leads to the throbbing pain in my jaw, face, and all my teeth. I opted to skip dinner and watch movies with Angie.

At about 6:00 pm, I got such a craving for more unhealthy food. I wanted pizza, and lots of it. I kept looking to Angie, hoping she'd just ask me what kind of toppings I wanted. Really, I was looking to her for permission and also to have a partner in my binge. That's such a terrible thing for me to do. But, she never did pursue it. After about 30 minutes, the craving passed and I no longer had a rabid desire for all things crusty and cheesy. Thanks, Angie.

I went to bed alone at 9:30 and cried until I passed out. I cried partly from the physical pain in my teeth, but mostly they were tears of defeat and exhaustion.

It's amazing to me how I can have such highs and lows all in the same day. In the morning, I broke my previous race time by over a minute, and I was on top of a cloud. Then, I made a few bad decisions and I may as well have been a doormat.

Today I'm grateful for the pizza I didn't eat.


Melanie said...

Hi Morgan - If I could reach through cyberspace and give you a hug I would. I know how hard it is to be faced with temptation and not give in. It's nearly impossible when you're one of us.

I've been an overeater for as long as i can remember, eating for every reason under the sun, but one of the biggest reasons is that food just tastes so good. So when I'm at a barbeque I also struggle to make the right choices. We're not perfect and no one expects that of us. It's awesome that you were able to let the craving for pizza pass. I know Angie was a big help in that, but ultimately it was you who didn't pick up the phone to order the pizza. Feel good about that victory. Now you need to pick yourself up, dust off yesterday's food crumbs and go for a run. Take care of you!

Julie said...


Morgan said...

Thanks, girls. I appreciate it.

MaryFran said...

Way to go! Not giving in to those terrible cravings is such a huge thing. However, don't you feel good when the craving has passed and you feel on top of the world because you are in control? Congrats!

deanna said...

*hugs*. I know exactly what you felt, exactly. it is amazing how easy the highs and lows can change - i applaud you for being strong, and for breaking down - a good cry is important, you've accomplished a lot in a year, you are bound to get spent for constantly working at it. Keep on Keeping On!