Sunday, October 12, 2008

What will happen?

People keep asking me if I'm nervous about the marathon. At this very moment, I'm not. Like all the major milestones in my life- getting my driver's license, graduating high school, getting a "real job," and turning 30- the marathon is just this thing that's going to happen in the future. It's very much like death in that way.

It seemed very far away when I started training back in June, and it seems very far away now. According to my little countdown widget on the sidebar (stolen from Topher), the marathon starts 5 days, 8 hours, and 55 minutes (give or take) from now. That's the reality. A very finite amount of time will pass, and then my size 11 shoes will shuffle over that starting line. When I think about it that way... yeah, I'm fucking nervous. Terrified, actually.

I'm not exactly sure why I'm nervous. Even though I know I'll be in a lot of physical and emotional pain toward the end, I know I can finish. So, fear of failure is really not what I'm concerned about. More than anything, I suppose I'm afraid of what will happen afterward. Will I want to do it again? Will I swear off running forever? Of course, it goes without saying that I'm scared of gaining the weight back. Running has been the thing that's enabled me to eat like a pig and only gain back a dozen or so pounds. What if an innocent, post-marathon celebration of pizza and beer becomes the catalyst for me becoming a statistic?
These are the things that are on my mind.

So, when people ask if I'm nervous, I find myself saying things like, "Oh, I'll just be glad when it's over. The training has taken so much time out of my life, and I'm ready to get my life back. I'm not really nervous." That's a lie. I may even believe the lie as it's coming out of my mouth. However, when I really ponder the possibilities of that day, as well as what lies beyond it, my stomach rises to my throat and my heart pounds.

What will happen? There's only one way to find out, and that's to go through it. I have a feeling this will be both the longest and the shortest week of my life.

3 comments:

AmandaMariePGH said...

One thing to think about is how much your appetite might DECREASE once you cut down your training after the marathon. That ravenous, starving feeling after a big run happens for a reason... but without the big runs it probably won't be there. Just a thought!

kilax said...

Maybe you'll want to run another, after you kick butt this Saturday!

deanna said...

Good Luck this weekend, you will kick butt and I have a feeling that you will still like to run - maybe 5-6 mies not 13 at a time!! KICK ASS!!