Saturday, July 5, 2008

I don't get it

When I was growing up, bedtime was an ordeal in our household. Every night, I'd put up a fight when it was time to separate from the world and be alone in my room. I wasn't afraid of the dark, and I wasn't scared of the Boogeyman. I just didn't want to be alone because it terrified me.

I almost didn't weigh myself on Saturday morning. Why? I guess I should confess I fell off the wagon multiple times last week. I got all my scheduled workouts in, but I ate more unhealthy food than I did during an average week when I was "fat Morgan." On Friday, I was so depressed that I spent most of the day in bed, which is something I haven't done in years. I tried to keep my thoughts neutral, so I pondered the spider webs in the corners of the room, and noticed the repetitive clicking of the ceiling fan. Every time I let my mind wander to food, or my slip-ups during the preceding days, I'd completely lose it. I was so scared.

I'm not sure what I'm so afraid of. Obviously, the idea of gaining weight freaks me out beyond belief. But why, exactly? Maybe I'm afraid of being judged by strangers and acquaintances. Or, perhaps I don't want to disappoint my parents, especially since it took so long to feel like they approved of me. Maybe I think that if I regain the weight, no one will love me and I'll be alone.

If my best friend were saying all this to me right now, I'd tell her she was being absolutely ridiculous, and she'd be loved whether she weighed 160 lbs. or 264 lbs. So why am I having such a hard time saying those very things to myself?

After much debate, I decided to go ahead and weigh myself. After all, there was no sense in ignoring the problem. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for a gain of at least 3 pounds, maybe more.

I'd lost a pound. I stepped on the scale a second, third, and fourth time, just to be sure. Still the same.

Currently, weight maintenance is a total enigma to me. I don't get it at all. I don't understand my body. I suppose part of this journey is getting to know myself again. I'm trying.


spunkysuzi said...

It is hard isn't it!! Sometimes you do all you can and it doesn't show and others you don't care as much and off it comes ;) And yes people will love you wherever your at in your journey if they are true friends. Hope you're feeling better. "hugs"

mongolove said...

I will never stop loving you no matter what.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Maybe that is why you binged? You were probably feeling like you were so hungry because you were dropping weight? I dunno. I feel bad for you having such a hard time!

gypsykt said...

I've been lurking for a while now...had to let you know that you've inspired me to give the weight loss thing another shot. I signed up for WW, and came across something on the boards that seems to apply to what you wrote here - It seems to jive with what you've been experiencing with your 'binges.' I don't think there's any science behind it (yet?), but it seems to make sense!
Anyhoo - I check for your blog every day. Thanks for the motivation!

Anonymous said...

hi Morgan,

You being in fear of gaining weight back is normal. It comes from the fact you worked so hard to get rid of it. I had the same problem for about 2 years after I lost 4 stone (~55 pounds). I've ended up running with bad injuries, flu, chest infections etc - all because I was in fear that if I stopped running for a week or two I wouldn't be able to get back to it and the weight would come back. It'll pass after after a while - but it does take time.


JourneyGirl said...

I too have a fear of gaining my weight back. I think for me it's because I don't want to look like a failure. People fail all the time but when it comes to weight you wear your failure. As soon as someone looks at you and sees you gained they can tell that you failed. This is what gets me.