Monday, June 16, 2008

Mourning fat Morgan

After running 10 miles on Saturday, I hobbled into my therapist's office for a head shrinking session. There was one incident I was particularly motivated to discuss with her, and that incident was the total and utter binge that occurred on Wednesday, June 11th. This was a binge that left me physically ill, morally wasted, and questioning the worth of my life. It was a bad day, as you may remember from my earlier post. By the way, that post brought in more comments than I'd ever gotten, and I'd like to thank you all for your support. It truly helps to hear from you, so please keep the comments coming.

My therapist asked me how I felt emotionally after the binge. I think she expected me to say I felt guilty and angry for having no self control. I really felt none of that, though. The feeling I had most was total despair.

"You're grieving the death of your former self," she told me, without missing a beat.

I'll be the first to admit that sounds pretty cheesy and psycho-babble-y. Still, a light bulb went off brighter than ever before. The old me is gone, and I miss her. I miss being able to eat a half gallon of ice cream and not feel bad about it. I miss the days when I didn't have to worry about getting a workout in, or how I'd cope with a pizza party at my office.

She explained that many people who go through dramatic weight loss experience a mourning period, in which they grieve the loss of their former fat selves. There's no quick way through it. Just as though a family member has died, I need to go through the gamut of emotions and deal with it.

Angie suggested having a funeral in which I bury my old fat pants and play Taps. A good idea in theory, but I don't have a shovel or a bugle. So, I guess I'll just have to say goodbye to fat Morgan in my own way- the occasional binge, followed by blogging and crying in my cubicle.

In other news, I've opted to run the Lewis & Clark Half Marathon on September 14th as a warm-up to the KC Marathon. After successfully running 10 miles the other day, the idea of running 13.1 miles seems a lot less daunting.

2 comments:

cindy said...

hey morgan,

i'm really impressed by how much you work out! wow, girl, you got it goin' on! well, if it makes you feel better about your binging, i have the SAME struggles too. uhhh, but like you said, the absolute BEST part is, that is part of our old self that we're mourning. :) thanks for being honest and keeping us up to date with your fitness; your exercise routine and eating calender actually really have motivated me lately to "get back on the wagon". you rock!

Wendy said...

Keep on working at it...you are doing a great job. Your stories are great and honest and candid. I started running one year ago...since then, I have lost 45 pounds and run one 1/2 marathon and one full marathon. I, too, joined a running group to help train...it was the best thing I ever did. It gets you up in the morning when all you want to do is to sleep in. Hang in there...this group will give you the next boost of motivation you need. And, don't beat yourself up so much for a little slip up...let it be and move on to the next day. The longer you beat yourself up the more apt you are to make the mistake again. :) I will check back on your progres...check out my blog at therunningquilter.blogspot.com