Well, I just had yet another mini-binge. I'm not sure what's going on with me. The past couple days, I've been feeling depressed and scared at the prospect of having to watch what I eat for the rest of my life. Tonight, I just wanted to let it all go and return to my former self- the girl who didn't care if she ate too many calories or didn't exercise. I just miss my old life sometimes. It's not that I miss all the eating; I really don't. What I miss is not caring.
Of course, now that I've eaten what basically amounts to a second dinner, I do care. A lot. I know I'll pick myself up tomorrow. I'm not going to gain all the weight back tonight. However, I'm still feeling guilty and embarrassed at my behavior. I'm very dedicated to logging everything I eat on my Peertrainer.com page. I know there are a few people who even check my logs to see what I eat on any given day. The idea that those people are seeing a side of me that I consider weak...well, it makes me want to cry, really.
Angie even tried to talk me out of eating all that crap tonight. She tried to get me to figure out why I wanted to eat. She was being really sweet. At the time, I felt like there was no special reason; I just felt like having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so I did.
If anyone can comment and leave me some pearls of wisdom or support, it would be much appreciated. I'm going to be fine. I'm not going back to morbid obesity. Right now, though, I'm feeling scared and I need my peeps (not the marshmallowy kind).
I've been "the big girl" as long as I can remember. I finally got fed up with that title on May 1, 2007. On that day, I started eating less, eating better, and moving more. I lost over 100 lbs., ran a marathon, then gained all of it back. What now?
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3 comments:
Morgan, I don't really have any pearls of wisdom but I am one of your 'peeps' checking in with you on a regular basis and I know you can/will get back on track. Your results and commitment thus far are a proven fact. Your honesty is much appreciated as is your sense of humor. Tomorrow is a new day...
Wow, that sucks Morgan. It happens, though. Adriene just HAD to have meat for lunch, and she ate a lot of it. We had a bunch left over from my mom's retirement party, and she went to town. I've had those, too.
I know it's always been a big pain for me to think of "never" doing something again, so I try not to do that. And I really can't think of anything that would be off limits forever, anyway.
Here's a question - have you ever taken time off to just maintain? You might want a break from attempting to put up a loss each and every week, and just enjoy maintenance for the "vacation" it will feel like for a month or so. You're so close to the 100 pound loss mark, maybe that'd be a good time. I'm planning to do that for about a month after hitting the 50 pound mark, just to let it settle.
You are too stubborn and determined to let all of it crash down and gain everything back. I think Jaime might be onto something with taking some sort of mini-break. At least mentally, somehow. Not that you should spend the next week eating everything in sight, but maybe a plateau to relax on for a bit?
Everyone has weak spots and weak moments. But you as a whole are stronger than your moments.
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