Thursday, May 29, 2008

Fears

I tried to run tonight, but about half a mile in, I realized it just wasn't going to happen. My knee was stiff and slightly painful, and I just felt "blah." Part of me wishes I'd kept trying, but I know I need to heal.

My lack of exercise tonight left me feeling bummed out, as if I'd failed somehow. I wanted to numb those feelings with food. I went into the kitchen and looked for something to eat. My usual binge foods weren't around; no peanut butter, yogurt, or fudge pops. I ate about an ounce of beef jerky, then a little cereal. Still, I wanted something really decadent, like an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's, or a couple candy bars.

I went into the kitchen again, hoping to find something that wasn't there before. On a whim, I stepped on the scale. Of course, I realize my weight goes up dramatically as the day goes on, but the number I saw scared the hell out of me. I'm not going to say what the number was, but it got me the hell out of that kitchen.

My fear of regaining all the weight I've lost is palpable. That's one of the reasons I'm reluctant to take a break from running, even though my knee is telling me to slow down. If I slow down, I don't burn enough calories, then I gain weight. It's simple math.

In Alien, Ripley puts herself into a cryo-sleep hibernation chamber after blowing the alien into space. I want one of those chambers, so I can rest without any changes to my anatomy or physiology.
Why haven't we figured out that technology yet?

Okay, I'm done with my pity party.

5 comments:

MaryFran said...

Take the break that your body is demanding. Watch your weight and adjust your food intake accordingly. You can manage to make it through a bit of a running hiatus. Because to heal will mean that you will be running longer and harder later!

That said, I have the same fears about re-gaining my weight. aw

G.G. said...

Hey, you're not throwing a pity party--you're expressing a legitimate concern. I'm dealing with it, too. We have to learn to have faith in ourselves while making sure we don't forget everything else we've learned and end up back in the old sad place. It's very hard--I don't have any answers, I just know I want to keep plugging along until I do.

Mal said...

This was a great entry -- complete with great analogy! Thanks for sharing...

Sarah said...

Hey, so I am knee problem veteran. (11 surgeries and still no ACL) I also have the problem you describe and it will get worse if you do not rest it. :c( Long term damage takes time but it will happen if you don't listen to your body. I admire those who can run, that will never be me (unless being chased) but you will get back into it. In the meantime may I suggest some lunges and squats? Or how about step ups onto a box while lifting a heavy ball over your head. Great for the quads and also the hamstrings.
I also have a fear of regaining weight-- but several years later the fear is finally diminishing. Even though I hear the stats all the time that only 2%-5% of ppl can keep off significant weight-loss... grr that makes me so angry, I am convinced the number is higher. I don't know how long you have been at your goal, but it does get slightly easier and by that I mean more routine. You won't regain it all just because you can't run for a week or so-- just keep an extra careful eye on your food. Rest up and then you will be good to go.

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