Why am I doing this again?

Since I recently purchased an iPod Nano, I've been introduced to the wonderful world of podcasts. On iTunes I located a podcast called Real Weight Loss by Bonnie. I don't really like the sound of the girl's voice, but once I was able to ignore that, I realized she was raising some great points and questions. The biggest one is, "why do you want to lose weight?"

Seems like an easy question, right? When I really thought about it, though, the answer wasn't so clear.

I think I was just sick of feeling disgusted by myself and disgusting to others. That was the main word that came to my head when I thought about myself back then. Disgust. So, I wanted to get rid of that feeling. I also wanted to be able to buy normal clothes. I was a size 26, for crying out loud. I was only one or two sizes away from not even being able to shop at Lane Bryant anymore. That's bad, folks.

Back when I was 264 lbs., I really thought that losing the weight would solve all my problems. Below I'm going to list some of the things I thought would happen, then right underneath each one I'll say what actually *has* happened.

1) I would have more self-esteem
-Yes and no on this one. In many respects, I feel much better about myself. I've accomplished something really amazing and I'm a stronger person for having gone through this. I can be more direct with people and I defend myself more when I feel provoked. It's mostly in private that my self-esteem takes a hit. When left to my own devices, I scrutinize my body and my worth.

2) I would be able to buy cute clothes in "normal" stores
-Check! Even though I haven't purchased many new clothes yet, I know I can walk into most stores that aren't Lane Bryant and find something cute that fits me.

3) My sex drive would improve
-A little, but I'm still lacking in this department. I plan to talk to my doctor about this at my next appointment.

4) My relationship with my parents would get better
-It has, and it pisses me off. They really are nicer to me now, and I swear I'm not imagining it. My mother even said she wanted a professional photo of me, which she has *never* said. There's no way she would've wanted that when I was heavier. I'm a little bitter about this, in case you can't tell. I feel like they should've been more supportive of me when I was obese. There was stuff to be proud of then, too. I wasn't worthless.

5) I wouldn't worry so much about what others thought of me
-Before, I always wondered if people were thinking "Oh my god, she's so fat." I guess I don't think that anymore, which is good. But, I still wonder what else they're thinking.

6) My general health would improve
-I'm obviously in better shape than I was previously. I can breathe easier. I don't snore anymore. I still have some other issues, such as a non-functioning thyroid (for which I'll take medicine indefinitely) and high cholesterol. Yup, I've lost almost 100 pounds and I still have high cholesterol.

7) I would feel more fulfilled as a person
-Although there are still areas in my life where I feel deadlocked, I do feel like the I'm a more well-rounded and fulfilled person than I was before. I want to be alive now. I wasn't suicidal before or anything, but that doesn't mean I was living.

8) I would be more willing to try new (or scary) experiences
-Definitely yes on this one. Since I've lost the weight, I've gone swimming at a public pool and driven on the highway, which I had a big fear of before. I also want to go horseback riding and take a vacation to a warm climate. I want to do outdoorsy things and enjoy the world, rather than sitting on the couch all the time.

9) I would be less lazy
-This has improved somewhat. I'm more of a go-getter these days. Still needs improvement, though.

10) I thought I would be less annoyed by the world in general.
-Nope, I think this one's here to stay. Stuff annoys me. Stuff that doesn't seem to annoy other people. The constant change-jingling of one of my coworkers. The way I can't stand the dust and clutter at my house, and yet do nothing to clean it. The way my girlfriend puts the silverware into the dishwasher (sorry, baby, but it drives me nuts). For some reason, I thought I'd be more laid-back and easy going with less weight on me. Probably a silly thing to assume.

As you can see, some things I expected came to pass, and others did not. I think that's pretty typical, but it's just good to check in with my motivations every now and then.

Off to the nursing home.