The middle way

Last week, when I decided I was ready to start over, I also decided I had to change a lot of my thinking. The first time I lost weight, it came off very quickly. I suspect that's because I only ate what experts say is the bare minimum amount a person should eat, and I exercised pretty much every day. I don't know how I was able to do that for a whole year. Seems like I should have burned out after a week or two.

This time around, it has to be different. If I'm going to lose this weight again, I can't have my characteristic all-or-nothing attitude about it.

Before Christmas, NBC aired a "Where are they now" episode of The Biggest Loser. I DVRed it, knowing I had no immediate desire to watch all the happy, shiny, thin people who had been able to keep their weight off; but, I knew I might want to watch it someday. On Monday, I queued it up at got ready to be jealous of all the previous contestants. Many of them were right where we left them- ripped and glowing, albeit with slightly sagging skin. A few had become personal trainers, which is a career I thought about for a while. Some had put some of the pounds back on, but still were working at it. But there was one- Eric Chopin- who was just like me. He'd gained most of it back. The words he said were exactly the way I felt. While I'd never wish for someone to feel as awful as I do about my relapse, it was comforting to see how much we're related in our struggles. So many of my readers have written to me, saying they'd lost a bunch of weight and gained it back. All of us are alone- and not alone- all at the same time.

Eric was visited by his old trainer from the show, Bob Harper. Eric was so worried about Bob being disappointed or angry. I feel that fear with my family and friends all the time. I know my family worries about me, and they care about my health and not my weight, but it's still a slap in the face when they bring it up.

When Eric talked about dropping the pounds again, he talked about how hard it was the first time, and how reluctant he was to go "all out" again. Bob said something that really stuck with me, and I'm paraphrasing here: "You know how to lose weight. You know how to put weight on. What you don't know is how to find a balance."

I'm trying to keep that in mind as I climb this mountain again- slowly. My system right now is to make 2 small changes a week, see how that goes, and then move on. This week, my goals were to exercise 3 times, and not eat any beef. I have one more workout to complete before Sunday, but I'm on track. Let me tell you- I had forgotten how great it feels to be completely sore and nearly immobile the day after a weights workout.

So, that's going to be my system for a while. I'm not worrying about calories, mileage, or even having seconds at dinner (for now). Just 2 things a week. That's doable, right?

The way things are

2009 wasn't the best year. My lack of posts may lead some to believe I was very busy- too involved with my exciting whirlwind of a life to blog. They couldn't be more wrong.

After last year's Kansas City Marathon, one of the best days of my life, things took a turn. I was sick of thinking about every little thing I ate, bored with running, and tired. I was so very tired. At the time, I was just allowing myself a little break from my fit existence. The break turned into 14 months of a total downward spiral. I've gained every bit of the weight back, and then some. Here's my new "before" picture, which was taken about an hour ago. By the way, that's my sarcastic "fuck you" smile. I haven't genuinely smiled for a photo in months.























On my right ring finger, there's a red indentation that represents where my grandmother's wedding ring used to reside. She gave it to me as a birthday gift in April. Every time I'd visit her, she'd want to hold my hand and look at it. I told her I'd never take it off, and that always made her smile. A few days ago, I had to break that promise. I could feel it getting tighter and tighter as my fingers got fatter, and I was worried that if I didn't remove it soon, I'd have to get the ring cut off. Four days ago, as I pried it off with the help of lots of soap, I cried. Grammy died in July. She's on my mind constantly. Mostly I wonder what her last moments were like, and if she was afraid. I saw her the night before, but I still feel a lot of guilt for not being there during her final moments. Since the nursing home didn't call me to let me know she was rapidly declining, I was at home on the couch, obliviously eating Taco Bell. I will never, ever forget that I was eating fast food while my grandmother was dying. It sickens me to think it. I miss her so much. She was the most generous person I've ever known.























My life has become one of avoidance. I don't make eye contact or engage people in conversation unless social nicety requires it. I rarely go out with my friends, especially the ones who only knew me as a thin person. A few weeks ago, I met my old running gang for brunch. I don't really know what possessed me to say yes, because it was the very last thing I wanted to do. Of course I wanted to see them and catch up with their lives. I missed all the long, sometimes deep, sometimes silly conversations we'd have on our Saturday morning runs. But I didn't want them looking at me. I didn't want them to see what I've let myself become.

With the holidays came the extended family, most of whom hadn't seen me in a year or more. I almost called in sick to Christmas. My relatives are nice people, and I knew they'd never say "Wow, you sure got fat again," but I didn't care. I knew they'd probably think it. I wound up going to Christmas, but I started pounding beers as soon as possible. Each drink helped me to put away the shame, so I could talk to my family.

God, what a mess.

I've been waiting to be ready to start it all over again. I ponder what I did wrong before, and what I did right. I try to get inspired, to remember what got me fired up in 2007 when this all started. Back then, it was the inability to put my shoes on without getting winded, the headaches, and having a revolving credit line at Lane Bryant. Well, that's all back. Okay, maybe not the line of credit at Lane Bryant, but I've shopped there recently.

So there it is. I weigh 286 pounds, and as I type this, I'm wearing the very same fat pants I held up so triumphantly in this picture:





















Once again, I'm back to square one. I've been down both the thin road and the fat road. Even though the thin road may be more difficult to travel on, the air is more clear and its scenery is certainly more pleasant. The clothes fit and the physical limitations are virtually gone. I can breathe when I'm on the thin road.

Forgive the cheesy metaphor, but it's the way things are. So, here we go again.

McHorrifying

I was just on MSN.com and came across this great site: Picture Show: Visions of Fast Food

As we all know, I'm a fast food junkie. I love Big Macs. When I saw the picture above, of what I can only assume is my beloved "2-all-beef-patties-special-sauce-lettuce-cheese-pickles-onions-on-a-sesame-seed-bun," I didn't love it so much. I had a similar feeling after I saw Supersize Me the first time. After watching Morgan Spurlock regurgitate a double quarter pounder all over a McDonald's parking lot, I didn't eat McD's (or any other fast food) for about a month.

Then I really wanted a Big Mac, so I started again.

And now, for your moment of Zen:

False starts

After writing yesterday's post, I was almost giddy with excitement about getting back on the wagon. I made an awesome, healthy salad. I took a 2-mile walk after work. Things were going well. Then of course, I pulled my usual derailing move of driving through the golden arches before bedtime. Ugh.

I woke up feeling bloated and regretful- two words that describe me pretty well these days. I keep trying to remember how I got started the first time around. It wasn't easy, and I had plenty of failures before I got on a successful roll. It makes me wonder how I ever managed to get fit in the first place.

"I'll start tomorrow" has been my motto for almost a year now. Interesting how tomorrow never comes, isn't it?

What's up, bitches?

I decided to finally succumb to Facebook mania this week. Yeah, I know I'm really late, but whatever. Anyway, I searched and searched for the right profile picture. Every single one I could find was from my "Morgan Gets Thin" days. I picked one of the better ones and begrudgingly uploaded it.














I say "begrudgingly" because, well... that's not really me anymore. See that chin, and that jawline? Not there at the moment. I'm back to the old days of avoiding cameras and mirrors. I'm sick of being fat, but apparently not sick enough to change (again). I think part of that is knowing how hard I had to work to slim down the first time. The idea of doing all that again makes me want to cry.

Still, I sometimes see a picture like this one, and it makes me nostalgic for last year's "5K May." It makes me miss my running friends, who I never see anymore (totally my fault). I miss feeling like I've accomplished things.

Maybe I'll never run again, much less run another marathon. But I have to do something. I'm not happy in this body. The weird thing is, I wasn't happy with my previous body either. I still managed to focus on the pudge in my belly and not the fact that I'd lost over 100 lbs.

So, what to do? I guess I'll start by grabbing a salad for lunch.

Bad dreams

About a year ago, I wrote a post about a nightmare I'd had:

Last night I had a dream- a nightmare, really- that I was attending a family gathering. Everyone kept staring at me with a look of pity in their eyes. I'd see them whispering, then they'd abruptly stop when I'd get within earshot. Was my zipper down? Did I have bird shit on my forehead? Why were they looking at me like that?! I frantically searched for a mirror, and when I found one, I saw my former, fat self looking back at me. Every pound I'd worked so hard to get rid of was back- strapped to my belly in three massive rolls. My fingers looked like sausages, and the jawline that I'd once admired was obscured once again.

Now, a year later, that nightmare has become a reality. I've gained back about 75% of the weight I lost. I've spent the last few months eating, drinking, sitting in a sedentary stupor, and feeling pretty damn awful about it. I'm an addict in the truest sense of the word. My habits and behaviors bring me a constant cycle of pleasure, quickly followed shame, pain, and hopelessness. Desperate to change, but seemingly powerless to do so.

I've tried so damn hard to just accept myself- fat or thin. I thought becoming thin and athletic would magically get me what I needed, but that didn't happen. In fact, my weight loss gnarled my self-esteem until it was virtually gone. Even as a size 10, I still thought I was fat.

Now, as I sit here in my size 20 jeans and look at pictures from just a year ago, I wonder what the fuck happened. Good question. I think part of it is that I was totally exhausted in all possible ways. The physicality of marathon training put me through some stuff I don't think my body was ready for. Mentally, I was a total wreck. After 18 months of scrutinizing the caloric values of a million different foods, my brain didn't know how to think of much else. I just got so sick of thinking about it all the time. I stopped seeing my psychologist because I was sick of talking about it all the time. I stopped writing this blog because I was sick of writing about it all the time. I just wanted it to go away.

I'm not quite sure what to do now. Part of me wants to just let this blog die and be more private with my struggle. The support I received as a result of blogging was immense, but I also felt some pressure. My time away has been, if anything, a relief. But, I'd get comments here and there... "What happened?" "We miss you!" "Hope you're doing okay." It made me wonder if I'd made a mistake in cutting ties.

I'm still very confused. I spend every day trying to decide which life I want to have. Do I want the life where I can eat whatever I want but feel sick and tired most of the time? Or, do I want to deprive myself and feel healthy? Some people can have both, but I don't think I'm one of them. I'm a food junkie. I'm a hedonist. It's all or nothing.

For today, I accomplished a 20 minute walk and stocked the kitchen with healthy food. That will have to be enough, just for now.

An interview with PastaQueen

Fellow weight-loss-blogger and author Jennette Fulda, aka PastaQueen, is doing a virtual tour to promote her book, Half Assed: A Weight Loss Memoir. I was flattered when I was contacted by her publicist to take part.

So, while I sit here and wallow in self-pity because I have the stomach flu from hell, here is a Q&A session with Jennette.

Q: You recently admitted to yourself (and to everyone who reads your blog) that you are a compulsive overeater. Why do you think it took you so long to realize it, and how have things changed since then?

A: I was lucky not to encounter any extremely stressful events during my initial weight loss. Without any huge triggers, it appeared that my eating was under control. I had never attempted a serious healthy eating and fitness plan before, so I assumed my weight problem was caused by lack of knowledge.

This past year I've dealt with the stress of starting a new job, promoting a book and dealing with a chronic headache. I began to realize that these stressors made me want to eat and that this urge to eat was not necessarily felt by other people around me who could leave meals half-finished on their plates. Eventually I realized that my brain is wired a little differently than other people's and that I like to use food as a drug when my life is out of control.

I'm using several strategies to manage my overeating. I don't bring trigger foods into my house. I know that if I buy a box of granola bars, I will probably eat the whole box, so I try to buy single servings. When I cook meals, I try to make only as much as I want to eat so I don't have an opportunity to binge. These techniques help, but it's still a struggle.

Q: Training for and running my marathon was one of the most challenging things I've ever done. What were you favorite and least favorite things about your half marathon experience?

A: My favorite part was eating a Cinnamon Crunch Bagel and knowing I'd already burned off the calories I was consuming. This might be part of the reason I gained a couple pounds while training instead of losing weight :) I also enjoyed pushing past my limits. I would never have run in ice and snow and negative degree temperatures, but I did those things running with a training group. I was surprised I was able to do it, but I don't have any desire to do that again:)

I didn't enjoy gaining weight when I was exercising so much. I also resented the amount of time it took to train, particularly near the end when I had to complete several 45-minute runs a week. Getting the runner's trots after my training 10K run wasn't pleasant either.

Q: You've been dealing with chronic headache pain for several months now. How has it affected your commitment to a healthy lifestyle? Do you think there is hope to lose weight for overweight people living with chronic pain?

A: It's harder to get up the motivation to exercise when I'm in pain all the time. Remember the last time you had a headache? Did you feel like doing anything, let alone run or bike or jazzercise? I feel like that all the time. It also makes me want to eat more because enjoying a pint of ice cream or a box of chocolates genuinely makes me feel better, if only briefly. My medications don't seem to do anything, but the Steak N' Shake milkshake never lets me down.

I went through a pretty bad time last September and October, but I seem to be pulling out of it lately *crosses fingers* I've found that if I eat well 80% of the time and moderately exercise I can maintain my weight without gaining. Now I have about 25 pounds I'd like to lose again.

I think there is hope for overweight people with chronic pain to live a healthy life and perhaps lose weight, but it depends on what is causing their pain. If you have a bad back or arthritis it is more difficult to find an activity you can do, but there are options like water aerobics (as lame as that might sound). My doctors have also told me that regular exercise helps moderate chronic pain. People who get 30 minutes of exercise 4-5 times a week will be in better health and feel slightly less pain than those who don't.

Q: In your book, Half Assed: A Weight Loss Memoir, you don't specifically say what type of diet/exercise plan you used to lose weight. Why did you feel the need to keep that out of the book?

A: I believe that any healthy, sane diet that enables you to eat less calories than you burn will result in weight loss. I did not want people to think they had to follow the exact same diet I did to see results. Different plans work for different people. I also did not want to appear to be an evangelist or spokesperson for one specific diet. Nor did I want to be answering questions about the diet plan for the rest of my life. It's easy to find out what diet I was on my scanning my blog, so if you really want to know you can find out.

Q: Do you find that maintaining your weight loss is easier or harder than losing the weight in the first place? Why do you feel that way?

A: Maintenance is definitely harder than losing weight. I still have to do all the things I did when I was losing weight, but I do not get the positive reinforcement of seeing a lower number on the scale each week. Instead, I get to see the same number, or sometimes I see a small gain. I am also bombarded by temptations from other people and advertising to eat poorly. It is difficult to say no 20 times a day for the rest of your life.

It's also easy to get bored with a routine. If I eat the same meal too many times, I tend not to want to eat it again. If I do the exact same running routine 4 days a week, I get sick of it. I see my relationship with my body like any relationship. There was an initial phase of joyful infatuation that was lots of fun. Now I'm a couple years in at a more comfortable phase where I have to work harder to keep things interesting.

Q: Suppose a pill existed that would melt away excess pounds overnight. It has been tested in 50-year studies by the FDA, and has been determined to be perfectly safe. It has no side effects whatsoever. Would you take it? Why or why not?

A: Yeah, I would :) I love eating ice cream, cookies, and chocolate. If I could do that and not get fat, I'd eat a lot more of them. That said, I would also eat healthy foods out of concern for my overall health and because eating chocolate all the time gets old (believe it or not). I find that once I've had a milkshake or some cookies, I don't necessarily want to eat them again for a day or two. It's important to have variety in my diet like in my fitness routine. Also, just because a pill could stop me from gaining weight, it wouldn't keep me from building up plaque in my arteries or developing diabetes, so healthy eating could not be ignored completely.

Wow, thanks for the great insights, Jennette.

Now, if you haven't already, go buy her book! I got my copy the day it came out, and I can honestly say it's a great read. To keep following Jennette on her virtual tour, be sure to tune in tomorrow at This Mama Cooks!