When we last left our heroine, she was precariously perched at the edge of a potential chocolate chip cookie catastrophe. Did she do her planned workouts? Did she go to McDonald's and buy massive quantities of cookies?
DUH DUH DUH!
I did my weights and the 3 mile run, and I didn't get cookies. I thought about them the entire time I was on the treadmill and debated whether or not one cookie was worth the trip. The more I debated, the hungrier I got. I wound up eating two bowls of cereal and a sandwich- more calories than if I'd eaten the damn cookies in the first place. At least they were useful calories; there was fiber and protein and all that good stuff, and not just sugar and butter. But it was still irksome that I blew it like that.
In other news, I have a 5 mile run scheduled for tonight. Tomorrow, my running group is holding an informational meeting for first-time marathoners. Hopefully I'll get some new tips.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Fighting
It's 7:47 pm. I finished my dinner over an hour ago. All I can think about right now is getting 3 chocolate chip cookies and a chocolate milk from McDonald's. Have you guys tried those things? The cookies aren't warm, but they somehow figured out a way to make the chocolate chips melty and gooey anyway. Pure evil.
When the craving hit me, I just said, "Oh no, not again." I stared at Angie with that look that I get. She knows exactly what the look means and doesn't need me to tell her that I want something decadent. I sat there and pouted for a bit, angry that the craving entered my mind in the first place, and wondering what would happen. I honestly didn't know if I would succumb to the craving or ride it out. I still don't know.
Angie informed me that the McDonald's cookies are 160 calories each. "That's not that bad," I replied.
It's now 8:06 pm and I still want to cruise through the drive through. However, I decided to put on my workout clothes and do a weight training video. After that, I'll see how I feel about running 3 miles. If that goes well, maybe I'll go to McDonald's and get one cookie. Maybe.
To be continued...
When the craving hit me, I just said, "Oh no, not again." I stared at Angie with that look that I get. She knows exactly what the look means and doesn't need me to tell her that I want something decadent. I sat there and pouted for a bit, angry that the craving entered my mind in the first place, and wondering what would happen. I honestly didn't know if I would succumb to the craving or ride it out. I still don't know.
Angie informed me that the McDonald's cookies are 160 calories each. "That's not that bad," I replied.
It's now 8:06 pm and I still want to cruise through the drive through. However, I decided to put on my workout clothes and do a weight training video. After that, I'll see how I feel about running 3 miles. If that goes well, maybe I'll go to McDonald's and get one cookie. Maybe.
To be continued...
Happy Monday
It's Monday again. Mondays are normally a day I dread for the obvious reasons. The joy of the weekend is over, and I have to go back to work. I look forward to the day when I can say "I get to go to work" rather than "I have to." I realize very few people really love their jobs, but I want to be among those who do.
My food choices weren't quite as bad as they normally are on weekends. I definitely over-indulged at dinner both Saturday and Sunday nights. I ate frozen yogurt both days, as well as peanut MNMs and popcorn at the movies. Still, there were no real binges.
You may have noticed I'm up 2 pounds from last week. My clothes are getting a little snug and I'm not feeling as energetic as I have in the past. I'm sure this is due to a combination of factors. I've obviously been eating more on the weekends than I should, but I'm baby-stepping my way back to reality. It seems like each weekend is progressively less destructive. Also, I increased my caloric intake by a couple hundred calories in an effort to better fuel myself for all this running, as well as to stave off binges. I think it's helping, but it's really too soon to tell. If I continue to gain weight (or, more importantly, feel like my clothes are getting tighter) I'll have to reevaluate my diet.
I had my second group run on Saturday, and I ran 12 miles instead of the 10 I'd planned. That's almost half the distance of a marathon! My feet, legs, and butt were on fire by the time I was done, but it was good pain. It was pain that told me I'd worked hard. I still can't believe how much faster the time goes by when you're running with a group. It's amazing.
My food choices weren't quite as bad as they normally are on weekends. I definitely over-indulged at dinner both Saturday and Sunday nights. I ate frozen yogurt both days, as well as peanut MNMs and popcorn at the movies. Still, there were no real binges.
You may have noticed I'm up 2 pounds from last week. My clothes are getting a little snug and I'm not feeling as energetic as I have in the past. I'm sure this is due to a combination of factors. I've obviously been eating more on the weekends than I should, but I'm baby-stepping my way back to reality. It seems like each weekend is progressively less destructive. Also, I increased my caloric intake by a couple hundred calories in an effort to better fuel myself for all this running, as well as to stave off binges. I think it's helping, but it's really too soon to tell. If I continue to gain weight (or, more importantly, feel like my clothes are getting tighter) I'll have to reevaluate my diet.
I had my second group run on Saturday, and I ran 12 miles instead of the 10 I'd planned. That's almost half the distance of a marathon! My feet, legs, and butt were on fire by the time I was done, but it was good pain. It was pain that told me I'd worked hard. I still can't believe how much faster the time goes by when you're running with a group. It's amazing.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Ultra Endurance
Every year in July, up to 90 people gather in Death Valley to run what is frequently described as the world's most difficult footrace, the Badwater Ultramarathon. If you're crazy enough to want to run this 135-mile race in 120+ degree heat, you can't just fill out a registration form and expect to be signed up. Potential participants must be veterans of ultra-endurance racing. Every applicant is scrutinized to see if he or she has what it takes to compete. And, if you do get in, the rules require that you bring a support crew with you to make sure you don't die somewhere along the way.
The notion of the ultra athleticism is something that I only recently became aware of. While "normal" running events like marathons get tons of media attention, many people have never heard of ultra marathons. I was at the local discount bookstore a few weeks ago when I came across a book called Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All-Night Runner. I bought the book and read it at every opportunity. I only put it down when I had to work, sleep, or run. Its author, Dean Karnazes, is apparently human, although one might argue that after reading about his exploits. This guy frequently runs 50-100 mile races, and has won Badwater. His most recent stunt was to complete 50 marathons in 50 states, in 50 consecutive days. The man has 6% body fat. Yup, I think he might be a cyborg.
My little 26.2 mile jaunt in October is chump change compared to what these athletes go through. The world of ultra endurance is so intriguing to me that I can't stop learning about it. I rented a documentary about Badwater called Running on the Sun, and was blown away. One runner had so many problems with his toenails that he just decided to get them surgically removed. Another runner started having hallucinations of other runners that weren't really there. I covered my eyes more than once. I also cried a lot (big shocker, I know).
The more I learn about these events, the more crazy and masochistic I think these people are- and the more I want to do an ultra marathon myself. For now, however, I'll have to settle for running 10 miles with my training group tomorrow. Hopefully my toenails and mental acumen will remain intact.
The notion of the ultra athleticism is something that I only recently became aware of. While "normal" running events like marathons get tons of media attention, many people have never heard of ultra marathons. I was at the local discount bookstore a few weeks ago when I came across a book called Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All-Night Runner. I bought the book and read it at every opportunity. I only put it down when I had to work, sleep, or run. Its author, Dean Karnazes, is apparently human, although one might argue that after reading about his exploits. This guy frequently runs 50-100 mile races, and has won Badwater. His most recent stunt was to complete 50 marathons in 50 states, in 50 consecutive days. The man has 6% body fat. Yup, I think he might be a cyborg.
My little 26.2 mile jaunt in October is chump change compared to what these athletes go through. The world of ultra endurance is so intriguing to me that I can't stop learning about it. I rented a documentary about Badwater called Running on the Sun, and was blown away. One runner had so many problems with his toenails that he just decided to get them surgically removed. Another runner started having hallucinations of other runners that weren't really there. I covered my eyes more than once. I also cried a lot (big shocker, I know).
The more I learn about these events, the more crazy and masochistic I think these people are- and the more I want to do an ultra marathon myself. For now, however, I'll have to settle for running 10 miles with my training group tomorrow. Hopefully my toenails and mental acumen will remain intact.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Decisions, decisions
Thanks to all your comments, I'm now convinced I need a new driver's license. As soon as I have the money (I'm broke from paying my shrink), I'll be in line at the DMV.
Today I also decided to increase my caloric intake. The last time I did this, which was in February, I was extremely reluctant and nervous. I was worried I'd stop losing- or worse- gain. Still, the pounds kept coming off, albeit very slowly.
Ideally, I'd love to lose another 10 pounds to get to 150. With marathon training, however, that probably won't happen. I've decided it's okay for me to go into maintenance mode until late October. I've gone to countless web sites and entered my information into their calculators, and I'm definitely not eating enough. This could explain why I binge every few days. I've felt really hungry lately, but sadly, I'm never 100% sure if my hunger is real or imagined.
My hope is that my desire to binge will subside if I give my body a little more fuel each day. Just like last time, I'm nervous. I'll probably see a gain on the scale for a week or two, then it should even out.
Today I also decided to increase my caloric intake. The last time I did this, which was in February, I was extremely reluctant and nervous. I was worried I'd stop losing- or worse- gain. Still, the pounds kept coming off, albeit very slowly.
Ideally, I'd love to lose another 10 pounds to get to 150. With marathon training, however, that probably won't happen. I've decided it's okay for me to go into maintenance mode until late October. I've gone to countless web sites and entered my information into their calculators, and I'm definitely not eating enough. This could explain why I binge every few days. I've felt really hungry lately, but sadly, I'm never 100% sure if my hunger is real or imagined.
My hope is that my desire to binge will subside if I give my body a little more fuel each day. Just like last time, I'm nervous. I'll probably see a gain on the scale for a week or two, then it should even out.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Expensive healing / driver's license
As you may already know, I've been seeing a therapist for my issues with food and weight. After only three sessions, I know it's helping. I'm having fewer binges than before, which is great. Getting the bill, however... not so great. I've happily been paying my $25 copay each visit, knowing that the remainder of the fee would be submitted to my insurance. I knew I'd have to pay out-of-pocket to satisfy my deductible, but I was shocked to open my bill and see that I owe almost $300.00. Eeeesh.
I really like my therapist and want to continue, but I may have to start going once a month rather than every two weeks.
On a completely different note, I lost my driver's license the other day. I looked in my wallet and the spot where it normally sits was empty. I got really panicky, because I had no idea where I'd left it. The day they took my photo for it, I probably weighed at least 260 lbs. Of course, at the time I lied and said I was 200, so that's the weight that appears on my license. As I thought more about that, I was kind of glad I'd misplaced it. What a great excuse to go get a new one! And, this time, I could proudly say I weigh 160 lbs. and have it be the truth for once. Then I started pondering what outfit I could wear and practicing my smile, which I think always looks strange in photos.
At that very moment, I got a phone call from my bank. Apparently I'd left my license in the tube at the drive through. Crap.
I really like my therapist and want to continue, but I may have to start going once a month rather than every two weeks.
On a completely different note, I lost my driver's license the other day. I looked in my wallet and the spot where it normally sits was empty. I got really panicky, because I had no idea where I'd left it. The day they took my photo for it, I probably weighed at least 260 lbs. Of course, at the time I lied and said I was 200, so that's the weight that appears on my license. As I thought more about that, I was kind of glad I'd misplaced it. What a great excuse to go get a new one! And, this time, I could proudly say I weigh 160 lbs. and have it be the truth for once. Then I started pondering what outfit I could wear and practicing my smile, which I think always looks strange in photos.
At that very moment, I got a phone call from my bank. Apparently I'd left my license in the tube at the drive through. Crap.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Routine
In my opinion, having a routine is one of the essential ingredients in a weight loss success story. Honestly, the fewer choices I have to make about food on any given day, the better. Monday through Friday is very routine for me. Even though I'm not exactly happy at my job, I can pretty much expect the same things to occur each day I spend in my cubicle, which is a good thing:
8:00-10:30: Reply to mean emails, avoid treat table
10:30: Eat a snack
10:35-12:00: Reply to mean emails, avoid treat table
12:00-1:00: Go home, eat lunch
1:00-2:30: Reply to mean emails, avoid treat table
2:30: Eat a snack
2:35 -4:00: Reply to mean emails, avoid treat table
4:00: Eat a snack
4:05-5:00: Reply to mean emails, avoid treat table
Weekends throw me off. Although we make tentative plans, there is no set schedule to tell me when and what to eat. Everything seems haphazard and spur of the moment, even though it's not. It's just because I'm out of my routine that things seem crazy. As you may guess, this poses a problem.
On Saturdays, I do a long run, which makes me feel ravenous the rest of the day. Out of a sense of entitlement and also real, physical hunger, I allow myself to eat more on Saturdays. This usually means we'll go get a huge salad and the world's best cupcake at The Mixx. It never ends there, though. Saturday night there was the Chinese buffet. Sunday, we went to our favorite Indian buffet. Oh, and let's not forget two trips to TCBY, the bag of Reese's Pieces at the movies, and the spicy Italian sub and giant cookie I ate for dinner last night.
Needless to say, I spent much of the weekend in a self-induced calorie coma. It doesn't feel good when I do this. I enjoyed the salad and cupcake, but after that, everything was a blur. As we drove to the Chinese buffet on Saturday night, I felt like I was about to steal money from my grandma to buy drugs or something. It was a feeling of pre-regret, like I knew I was about to do something really, really wrong. I did it anyway.
Today, my body is trying to rid itself of all the toxins I fed it. "Monday Detox" is becoming a regular occurrence. This can't continue. While I understand the need to have an occasional indulgence, this doesn't mean I need to go completely nuts all weekend long. My goal for next weekend will be to avoid buffets. Baby steps.
This is a learning process, and even though I've screwed up countless times, I bounce back and start again. I haven't binged in a week, which is a pretty long time for me. The "it's not in here" note on the refrigerator is still working its magic.
8:00-10:30: Reply to mean emails, avoid treat table
10:30: Eat a snack
10:35-12:00: Reply to mean emails, avoid treat table
12:00-1:00: Go home, eat lunch
1:00-2:30: Reply to mean emails, avoid treat table
2:30: Eat a snack
2:35 -4:00: Reply to mean emails, avoid treat table
4:00: Eat a snack
4:05-5:00: Reply to mean emails, avoid treat table
Weekends throw me off. Although we make tentative plans, there is no set schedule to tell me when and what to eat. Everything seems haphazard and spur of the moment, even though it's not. It's just because I'm out of my routine that things seem crazy. As you may guess, this poses a problem.
On Saturdays, I do a long run, which makes me feel ravenous the rest of the day. Out of a sense of entitlement and also real, physical hunger, I allow myself to eat more on Saturdays. This usually means we'll go get a huge salad and the world's best cupcake at The Mixx. It never ends there, though. Saturday night there was the Chinese buffet. Sunday, we went to our favorite Indian buffet. Oh, and let's not forget two trips to TCBY, the bag of Reese's Pieces at the movies, and the spicy Italian sub and giant cookie I ate for dinner last night.
Needless to say, I spent much of the weekend in a self-induced calorie coma. It doesn't feel good when I do this. I enjoyed the salad and cupcake, but after that, everything was a blur. As we drove to the Chinese buffet on Saturday night, I felt like I was about to steal money from my grandma to buy drugs or something. It was a feeling of pre-regret, like I knew I was about to do something really, really wrong. I did it anyway.
Today, my body is trying to rid itself of all the toxins I fed it. "Monday Detox" is becoming a regular occurrence. This can't continue. While I understand the need to have an occasional indulgence, this doesn't mean I need to go completely nuts all weekend long. My goal for next weekend will be to avoid buffets. Baby steps.
This is a learning process, and even though I've screwed up countless times, I bounce back and start again. I haven't binged in a week, which is a pretty long time for me. The "it's not in here" note on the refrigerator is still working its magic.
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